In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. The collection features some of the most. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. Your baby is HUGE!. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. World United States United Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland. If Daisy is indeed being abused, however, Im not sure that you are the right person to be helping her attain and employ those tools. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. slate advice columns care and feeding. My daughter's friends tell me I look great I was about 17 at the time " I've been searching for my father my whole life and through 23a Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. Uh, No Thanks. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! This is the time when you should travel, engage in hobbies, chill out, or do whatever the heck your heart desires as you enter the latter stages of life. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. Since hes started to do better with bottles (hes breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervouslyand I did have to make the offer multiple times). Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. Answer: Join Slate Plus. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Dear Care and. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. Have a question for Care and Feeding? First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? I have two beautiful daughters. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. What should I do? I have an 8-year-old son who is really, really smart but really, really stubborn. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Its anonymous! Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Its anonymous! Jamilah Lemieux and. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. That certainly applies here. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. The Slate advice columnists have a wide range of quality but I actually really like a lot of the parenting ones (particularly Nicole Chung and Jamliah Lemieux), even though I am not a parent. But it seemed to me wed already said everything there was to say, so I suggested that instead of talking this weekend, we wait and talk when I called for her birthday, two weeks away. How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. You know she loves you, dont you? Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. However, I still find it alarming. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? Sure, theres a chancebut what if she actually harbored some dark thoughts and acted on them? I Despise My In-Laws. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? But he didnt want that one either. But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. Additionally, you should enlist a friend or family member to stand by your side when you talk to him in person so you have that extra support. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. Or dinosaurs. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don't live close by. She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. Yes, theres a strong chance that your son will be upset at first, but if hes as outgoing as you say he is, then its highly likely he will make new friends fairly quickly. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. And youll have to actually mean it. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Youre not raising him with unrealistic or sexist views about love if you dont discourage him in his adoration of Kaylie. She has been accepted at four universities and has it narrowed down to two. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? I can say this honestly and without bias. The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Thats not the point. "The other portals are of ebony. In our day-to-day lives, though, we often keep our guards . I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. England no longer existed. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. interface language. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. I love them both very much! We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 14-year-old son, "Charlie.". Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. That didnt work. Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. 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