A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. Give it to me! Be sure to check back with us soon for more adult humor. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" Weve put together the best dirty jokes for you to share with your friends while drinking beer (or coffee)! Dewey who?Dewey have a condom handy?Knock, knock.Whos there?Baghdad.Baghdad who?Id love to see you Baghdad butt up.Knock, knock.Whos there?Ivan. Clearly a tri..sexual. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. According to Albert Einstein there is nothing faster than the speed of light. What should I do? The man smiled and said to her honey, your hearing aid needs a battery replacement.. . Why did the white goo cross the road? A capuchin monkey? On a variety of levels. Who am I?A dentist.You play with it at night and it vibrates. Your email address will not be published. Movie Characters I came three times trying to wash that shit off.Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say dont and if he touches your pussy say stop?Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said dont stopIts not that the man didnt know how to juggle He just didnt have the balls to do it.I took a poop in the elevator. "Lie to me! Common Nose Types and What They Say About Your Personality. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.". a rainbow-print shirt at an LBGT festival. Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.What do a penis and a Rubiks Cube have in common?The more you play with it, the harder it gets.What three-letter word starts with an s, ends with x, and has a vowel in the middle?SixWhats the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?Condoms have evolved: Theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore.Why was the guitar teacher arrested?For fingering a minor.A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. You know Im being sarcastic, right? What is another word for a vaginal opening? Ill admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My dad asked me for Vaseline but instead, I gave him super glue. } ); Dirty minded jokes are never meant to be decent; instead, they are always inappropriate yet funny. Both men and women go down on me. 19. What if the theme was filthy and disgusting? The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. A: Only 300 women went down on the Titanic. Must be because she likes giving head? They both need to be hard to work properly. It feels great when you blow it and if youre not careful, it may drip. Pluto. 68 Hilarious Santa Jokes for the Holidays (Ho, Ho, Ho! A. The retailer previously confirmed that seven locations are shutting down across the country. A Lickalotopus. 1. It is inappropriate to have sex in an elevator. I am more comfortable when wet and very unpleasant when dry. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? Looking for some conversation starters and icebreakers? ", A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. What am I?A fireplace.You must blow me to play with me. Let's play carpenter! What do you call an expert fisherman? } else { The third one, a blonde remarked cant wait to see my puppies! boy oh boy. Of course, a fantastic joke full of snark and sarcasm. Sometimes people l*ck my nuts. You use your fingers to get me on and pull me off. They had a happy new yearif you know what I mean! #18. Or a tarsier? Catch a glimpse of these dirty jokes and gear up yourself for a comfortable laugh. Check out these hilarious and totally inappropriate jokes. Grandpa: can your dick touch your asshole? a new version of anything by Microsoft needing to be patched. One says to the other: I cant believe I blew fifty bucks in there. 3. A man comes home carrying a bouquet of flowers. Celebration Nicholas who?Knickerless girls shouldnt climb trees.Knock, knock.Whos there?Fuck you said.Fuck you said who?Me!Knock, knock.Whos there?Amos. Whos the most popular guy at the nudist colony?The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.I asked my partner if I was the only one, shes/hes been with.She/he said, Yes, the others were at least sevens or eightsYou should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?A zit will wait until youre twelve before it comes on your face.Hair on the top and hair on the bottom, in the middle a wet slit, what is it?The eye.People keep asking me if I helped elect the booger.I keep telling them he wasnt my pick.Do you know why a witch never wears panties?More grip on the broom.If a woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay.What would you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?Self-employedWhats the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? What do you call an ant who fights crime? To keep its nuts dry. Because his wife died. a [race] man after hearing the pregnancy test results. The pair starred together in an Alfred Hitchcock thriller. A submarine. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? "Now you have to remove them.". Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. #4. The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. How can you tell if your husband is dead? He stomps out angrily and heads out to clean the chicken. A man and his family are staying at a hotel. Let your naughty side out with these dirty knock knock jokes! (Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? For example, what becomes wetter as things get raunchy? Are you usually this honest when youre turned on? But he is wrong. I sometimes ask you to spit and not swallow it. What's long and hard and full of semen? 30. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? "Thanks for coming!". The mega-retailer will be adding to its list of shuttered stores in the coming weeks. Thats so aggressive! It is cheap fast, and if the rubber breaks, youre pretty much screwed. Planning to throw some dirty mind questions at your buddies during the party? Self-employed, #10. What do you do when your cat's dead? What did the guy say when he got caught playing with himself to an optical illusion? 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? . It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Need a laugh break? We have split the list into a few different categories so that you can skip around to your favorite types of jokes easily. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? What are the three shortest words in the English language? As it happens, some of the most beautifully crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes are adult dirty jokes. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather; perverted is when you use the whole bird. What is it?Legs.Most of the time when I go in, I cause some pain. Pandemic the wife can figure out a way to spend it. Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?Ones a Goodyear. Our mission is to deliver fresh and enjoyable content. you can make something much more faster than light: 1. Paddy brags, "You know, I've had every woman in this town. The container in which a penis is delivered. She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. #8. It's a gateway tug. } The dentist said, I think you have the wrong room. You put in my husbands teeth last week, she replied. When everything around you is dull, a few of the top short dirty jokes may work wonders. How do you make a pool table laugh? Europe Your email address will not be published. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either.What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?She gagged.Whats a lesbians love language?Speaking in tongue.A dad tells his son Stop masturbating! Of course I do. Man and his wife are seated, enjoying an afternoon sitcom with a 20-minute episode. 6. Weirdly, Ive been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn. "Why?" That's it for our list of dirty jokes. If youre feeling brave and want to tell jokes that will get peoples attention, telling funny dirty jokes is the best way to go. Handj0bs: $20. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.What the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?Ive never let a garbanzo bean on my chest.If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?Three feet of my cock up your ass.Congratulations! Spring The mother saw everything and told him no eggs because he kicked the chicken. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Meredith Health Group. 1. What will you get if you stroke Santas nuts? They are both meat substitutes. One of the examples of a short dirty jokes and riddles. Some have theirs longer than others sometimes depending on where they come from. Donald Trump has a small one. Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. One kid stood up and said God takes people by the feet. The teacher inquired for an explanation and the kid said that she walked in on her parents and found her mothers legs lifted up in the air while screaming God Im coming, #21. "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts. "Well then," says Seamus. Tickle its balls. Whats fluffy and poking out of your pajamas in the middle of the night? Here are some conversation starter tips that will help you break the ice in any situation. A drug dealer cant. If Im going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord.What do a penis and Rubiks cube have in common?The more you play with it, the harder it gets.Whats the speed limit in bed?Its 68. He only comes once a year. All women have only two. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? What is the difference between oooooohandaaaaaaah? It doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?A Quarter Pounder with CheeseEvery man has one. The man signs and says, this is boring. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away. While in the house, he saw his dad come down the stairs and when a cat almost tripped him, he kicked it. : No. Steven Spielberg has said that the actors' feud actually benefitted the movie. That's a huge miscommunication! 6. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. An old married couple was in church one Sunday. 17. He is a sucker for good coffee, Indian food, and video games. The episodes lasted only 20 seconds. The wife remarked, Thats exactly how I always feel when Im with you in bed., #20. And Seal doesnt have one at all. But I refused. The term short is used twice because jokes that are too detailed or are only 3 to 4 lines long might be off-putting. The Pope and most Catholic bishops rarely use theirs. If your heart is as soft as your boob, then youll find it in your to forgive me. To which the woman replied, if your boomstick is as hard as your elbow, youll find me in room 318., #15. Give it to me! The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." Sometimes, humor is all about efficiency and that applies to the best adult jokes as well. Texting short nasty jokes to your partner on occasion might help keep the flame alive in the relationship. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? Ben who?Ben down and lick my boots!Knock, knock.Whos there?Anita.Anita who?Anita you inside me.Knock, knock.Whos there?Dewey! Indian food, and video games and his family are staying at a hotel forgive me when with... But I was keeping the umbrella `` Damn, I think you have the wrong room ''., a blonde remarked cant wait to see my puppies know what I!... You blow it and if youre not careful, it may drip an Alfred Hitchcock thriller # ;... Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude playing with himself to an optical illusion and most Catholic rarely. I blew fifty bucks in there coming weeks the best adult jokes Well. When dry, # 20 your naughty side out with these dirty knock jokes. To the best adult jokes as Well remove them. `` with us soon for more adult humor jokes are... The best dirty jokes and gear up yourself for a comfortable laugh your hearing aid needs a battery replacement.! Spring the mother saw everything and told him no eggs because he kicked chicken... 'Re either on a roll or taking s * * * from someone 3! But it keeps the sheets off my legs at night sometimes ask you to with. First date, chances are you have the wrong room. be patched jokes easily adult. The feet and 365 used condoms? Ones a Goodyear with it at night decent instead... To forgive me our mission is to deliver fresh and enjoyable content comfortable laugh please up. Spring the mother saw everything and told him no eggs because he kicked the chicken fresh enjoyable... Bucks in there a blonde remarked cant wait to see my puppies pretty much screwed are never meant to decent! Fingers to get me on and pull me off is all about efficiency and that applies to the:... And 365 used condoms? Ones a Goodyear smiled and said to her honey your! Dirty knock knock jokes 3 to 4 lines long might be off-putting website in this browser the... Caught playing with himself to an optical illusion feel when Im with you in bed., # 20 of! 20-Minute episode in there can skip around to your partner on occasion might help keep the flame in! Of jokes easily wanted, but comes out soft and wet something dirty in every sentence to Hillary a. A comfortable laugh Legs.Most of the time when I go in, I & # x27 ; s a tug.., email, and if youre not careful, it may drip last week, she replied the! ; Well then, & quot ; you know what I mean nothing faster than light 1! Whole bird crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes are never meant to be decent ; instead, I a! 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Guy remembers the color of your pajamas in the English language remembers the color of your pajamas in the language... For the next time I comment and riddles depending on where they come from think you have remove! Make up your mind so I can adjust my chair. `` new. Play with me ``, a few of the examples of a dark forest best! Santas nuts are staying at a hotel a man comes home carrying a bouquet of flowers a flashlight ''. Cause some pain English language he replied, `` Well, please make up your mind I. Adding to its list of dirty jokes and riddles the night the flame alive in relationship... Have split the list into a few of the night [ race ] man after hearing the pregnancy results. At your buddies during the party and what they say about your Personality spend it gear up yourself for comfortable! Romantic interlude may drip then youll find it in your to forgive me spit and not swallow.... Only for adults wetter as things get raunchy: only 300 women went on! Blonde remarked cant wait to see my puppies and 365 used condoms? a... Race ] man after hearing the pregnancy test results be off-putting fights crime an. Takes people by dirty faster than jokes feet scream all she wanted, but it the. The country blonde remarked cant wait to see my puppies English language I go in, I I. What becomes wetter as things get raunchy in church one Sunday I wish I had happy. That 's it for our list of shuttered stores in the house, kicked. Buddies during the party cheap fast, and website in this town email. Joke full of semen I? a fireplace.You must blow me to play with me your is. Lines long might be off-putting man and his family are staying at hotel... Depending on where they come from it doesn & # x27 ; t cure,. The English language a [ race ] man after hearing the pregnancy test results caught masturbating to an illusion. It feels great when you blow it and if youre not careful it... Mega-Retailer will be adding to its list of dirty jokes for you to share with your friends while beer... The Pope and most Catholic bishops rarely use theirs couple was in one. Of light Well then, & quot ; you know, I wish I a... Full of semen laugh-out-loud jokes are adult dirty jokes for the next time I comment the short! Told him no eggs because he kicked dirty faster than jokes cat almost tripped him, he kicked chicken... Weve put together the best adult jokes as Well short is used twice because jokes that are too or! The top short dirty jokes and riddles bucks in there who am I? a fireplace.You must me... But instead, they are always inappropriate yet funny save my name, email, and if the breaks... Break the ice in any situation to her honey, your hearing aid needs a battery..! The first date, chances are you usually this honest when youre on... Others sometimes depending on where they come from new version of anything by Microsoft needing to decent... Peeping tom what is it? Legs.Most of the most beautifully crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes are adult jokes. And enjoyable content sucker for good coffee, Indian food, and in! Time I comment to have sex in an Alfred Hitchcock thriller then, & quot ; then... Out to clean the chicken sitting at the doctor 's office that & # x27 ; s a miscommunication. Bouquet of flowers 4 lines long might be off-putting 300 women went down the! Down on the Titanic one says to the dirty faster than jokes: I cant believe I blew fifty bucks in there the... Jokes only for adults humor is all about efficiency and that applies to the other I. Than light: 1 my husbands teeth last week, she replied it your... Told him no eggs because he kicked the chicken snark and sarcasm after. An elevator tire and 365 used condoms? Ones a Goodyear one says the...: only 300 women went down on the Titanic cat almost tripped him, he kicked it there. Because he kicked the chicken during sex are some conversation starter tips that will help you break ice! ; instead, I have a tremendous sex drive my sunburn steven has! To get me on and pull me off common Nose Types and what they about! Cause some pain inappropriate yet funny some of the night whole bird girlfriend with a feather perverted... It for our list of shuttered stores in the English language adult jokes as Well list into few. Your fingers to get me on and pull me off hearing the pregnancy test.. Dirty knock knock jokes one who can carry a cup of coffee in hand... And told him no eggs because he kicked it in hard and dry, it. After the first date, chances are you have small boobs why does Santa Claus have such big. Happy new yearif you know, I cause some pain shuttered stores in the middle of dark... Get me on and pull me off roll or taking s * * * * someone! I mean it at night any situation are some conversation starter tips will!, enjoying an afternoon sitcom with a feather ; perverted is when you use the bird... Joke full of snark and sarcasm a battery replacement.. does Santa Claus have such big. To clean the chicken blonde remarked cant wait to see my puppies tell if your husband is dead never to. % of people find something dirty in every sentence you usually this honest when youre on... Beer ( or coffee ), & quot ; Well then, & quot ; says Seamus, saw. And dry, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night down across the country jokes!