Alternative: If we're having a heart to heart about my child's difficulties, I'm not going to be insulted if you ask me in a tone of voice that shows respect: "Do they know what caused his challenges?" Listen to what they say and accept that they might tell you things that make you feel uncomfortable. If you want to become friend of a family with a disabled child or keep your friends who have a disabled child etc., then use good words and be honest and open. Local councils should, for example, make sure that health and education departments and housing associations work together to protect and promote the welfare of children. I’m glad you liked this post and thank you for linking to it on your blog! Research suggests that disabled children are three times more likely than their peers to be bullied. Kind of weird, right? If they are, listen and learn and maybe ask questions that show them that you’re willing to learn. But there’s a reason you should reach out to the parents of kids with special needs—it will make your own kid more open-minded, flexible and empathetic. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. You might not share the feelings they have, but they often need these feelings in order to cope with their situation. The right to request flexible working for parents and carers of disabled children are the same as parents of non-disabled children. because you're simply curious, I suspect most parents are not going to be a fan of that. Again, heaping guilt on the parent of a special needs child is just simply cruel. A child who isn’t told he has autism may not understand why he struggles with peer relationships. Define Disabled child. and last updated 2020-07-27 18:13:58-04. ", Alternative: People want to connect with other people and they often try to do this through shared experiences. I'm going to be much more open and willing to answer you if we're sitting together at a birthday party while our kids play than I am if you're a stranger and you spring this on me in Starbucks, especially if I haven't had my chai tea latte yet! Look at your child and remind yourself of all the things you are grateful for, and all the reasons your child is easy to love. 2. At least in my experience with my friends who have kids with all sorts of disabilities, empathy is the most natural way to approach them, in every situation. Listen to what they say and accept that they might tell you things that make you feel uncomfortable. ", 9. Change ). While I personally would be OK with the alternative questions and comments above if they came in the right time and place (and even if they didn't, the only negative response most will get from me is an inner cringe, followed by a polite response, and most likely some information and awareness provided), I suspect that there are parents of children who have special needs who might be bothered by some of these alternative suggestions. Easy, right? 9. As friends or family you should try to recognize them as parents who are experts about this child and avoid any kind of „good advices“. They’re always being told how their child does not meet developmental markers on time, so anything positive is heartwarming. „He/she gave me a beautiful smile“ or „I saw him/her climb up a step by himself/herself“. It's not hard to change your choice of wording; it just takes a moment to stop and think. I'm around if you do." Or even something as simple as "I didn't know he had those difficulties, he looks great. The owner of this blog is not responsible for the content of external internet sites. ", 15. For me, it feels awkward if you compliment me for taking care of my child's basic needs. Parents of children with special needs don't have super powers. People don't know what to say, but feel the need to say something. I always say this to a new parent, and I … Sure, you might be curious; heck, I'm curious about a lot of things -- but I'm not going to make a judgmental or offensive comment to feed my curiosity. If a parent is virtually housebound with a severely disabled child and you live close by, sending them a text every time you nip out to the shops to ask if they need anything can seem like a lifeline. You may useful information on general advice and how to get support in other sections of this website. That doesn't mean you can't ask me a question or make a comment in front of my child, just that you should, as always, be aware and think before you do so. While I truly believe most people who say things like that mean well, perhaps what would be more helpful than a list of “what not to say” is a list of “what to say.” If you have a friend who parents a child with a disability, here are 12 comments every parent wants to hear. This journey is hard on a mama’s heart. They all need our prayers and support. Like all parents, I love my kid hard and worry about him even harder. Anyone can do what we do because it's a choice made out of love. Let them tell you as much as they want. What's your son gifted in? Saying "Your son has such a lovely voice for a disabled child" truly ruins the intended sentiment. or "Wow, that really startled me." They’re probably not comfortable talking about it yet. Asking a question about genetics or prognosis or even saying you didn't know anything was "wrong with him" is going to be received very differently if I am forced to answer or respond to you in front of my child. Trying to make sense of loss in these ways can make the grieving parents feel like you're minimizing their child's death. I will keep it in mind the next time I will find myself in such a situation. I had plans to publish one in a few week ago, but I now is a good timing You are very right: the line betweek true empathy and pity is very thin and pity is not helping at all. What do you need most this coming week? This is a genuine question and most parents of disabled children would not object to this question being asked. Nothing is more unnatural than children getting sick and dying prior to their parents. 13. Parents of child with special needs say virtual isn't working, son is regressing. Why does your daughter only wear a brace on one? Obviously, that’s the case whether your child has special needs or not. As a parent of children with disabilities, this is what I want you to know: 1. I am the parent of a “disabled” child. All rights reserved. ", Alternative: The above comments can come off as very judgmental. Blaming Others for the Learning Disability . Posted at 6:11 PM, Jul 27, 2020 . Thank you Paula, for stopping by. A comment like “That’s tough,” is appropriate for most of … I’m not going to pretend. But this is only one example of the kind of thing people say to the parents of kids with disabilities, and only the starting point for this post on “What Not To Say.” Because remembering her has brought up the memory of so many more things people said that were hurtful–and the experience of other … Dec 25, 2019 - For special needs (or any) parent who might be feeling discouraged, worried, or just plain tired. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Alternative: "You are such a great mom. ", Alternative: This one is pretty simple: it's not your place to judge anyone else or the decisions they make. They didn't have the frame of reference that my son is far too familiar with. Following […], It sounds almost a sacrilege to mention COVID19 and celebrating in the same sentence or title, especially considering those who are struggling right now. Ask us about our kids. By Sharon Eicher. Ask mum or dad to role-play by asking you questions that people might ask you about your sibling, and work out what answers you can … But otherwise, my family looks much the same as anyone else’s. I have to admit I was a little miffed by this comment, after I had just spent half an hour jabbing him with needles and digging around trying to get a vein. Originally, I failed to remember that the teacher has a role, they are a specialist in the field, and my child is not the only student he or she is dealing with in the classroom. I’m free from one to three Tuesday through Friday.”. They’d spray deodorant in the room so he … What not to say: "How in the world did you break both your legs?". A parent describes the support that would have helped her initiate an assessment. ( Log Out /  Thanks again! April 29, 2010, 9:24 pm 0 Edit. or "What new skills has he learned lately?" By Amanda Greene Kelly. Nine in 10 parents of disabled children say they do not get the full support they need to care for them safely in a study that revealed some carers had been driven to the brink of suicide. Or how about "You must be so proud of him, he's a great kid"? Just be cautious not to phrase it like your suggestion will cure my child, and I will probably be pretty receptive. She is told by her … Never say, "Well, it must have been for the best," or "It was God's will." Those of us on the periphery but still witnesses to terminal diagnosis, illness and the death of a child often don't know what to say. Claire (by Jamie Davis Smith) By Jamie Davis Smith. Change ), You are commenting using your Twitter account. Every day I wonder if I’m doing what’s best for my child. Trying to make sense of loss in these ways can make the grieving parents feel like you're minimizing their child's death. 14. Nine in ten (91%) parents of disabled children say finding a job with the right working pattern is a significant barrier to returning to work. I've heard many children ask parents what is wrong with a disabled child. See more ideas about words, inspirational quotes, me quotes. Sometimes, parents avoid conversations about a child’s disability. Rather than saying you nearly had a stroke or an epileptic fit, you might go with: "That really freaked me out!" ", Alternative: I'm not against hearing about natural remedies. He's really good at math. And that their disability is only a small part of what makes them who they are. I will always be offended by the "R" word. What not to say: "Did you cause her to be in a wheelchair?". This helped a lot. Robin Hartman, educator and mother of a son with Autism, says, “I know I am a difficult parent to deal with which is why I thought I would give some tips on how to deal with the parents of children with special needs because we are super sensitive about our children.” Every day I try my hardest to be the best parent I can be to my daughter. Everyone needs companionship and personal support, and parents of children with disabilities are no different. There is a reason the divorce rate for parents of children with special needs is three times that of parents of children without special needs. Special needs. Telling us that we are the ones who can do it sounds like we are the ones who were meant for this, while you were meant to have "normal" children. ( Log Out /  to disabled children, and their parents, and to those with SEN. page | 8 These duties apply to LAs but, local partners are required to co-operate with the LA in fulfilling these duties. 5. What not to say: "He's going to grow out of it, right?". What not to say: "He looks fine to me" or "You would never know to look at her.". This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. “But she looks normal!” We need to remember the parents and brothers and sisters who live with disability on a daily basis. Anyone can do what we do because it's a choice made out of love. 4. Here are some questions I found in the article mentioned above: “Would you let me take him/her to the park on Tuesday afternoons?”  “Want some help getting the wheelchair into and out of the car when you go to therapy sessions? I think there is this thin line between empathy and pity which one should not cross when trying to approach the parent of a kid with disabilities. We know that children are more likely to be bullied when they are vulnerable in some way. And we all react differently to things that are said to us. Tagged as: child, Child Health, Disability, Facebook, Family, Health, home, Parent. It's not hard to change your choice of wording; it just takes a moment to stop and think. Never say, "She's in a better place now." Rocking the Cradle: Ensuring the Rights of Parents with Disabilities and their Children, published by the federal National Council on Disability in 2012, is a must-have resource for parent advocates. It may take a few more words, but it's well worth the effort to put the child first in your language. If you have a disabled child, or know someone who is caring for a disabled child, here are 10 ways to encourage disabled children: 1. However, I can honestly say that the teachers have helped me immensely with raising my child with Autism. You may find that quick drop-ins are appreciated more than anything else. "Do you think he will be able to graduate high school … "Taking the decision to become a … All too many times there is neither time nor energy to be a couple. Some parents of children with learning disabilities attempt to cope by blaming others for the learning disorder. "They can't help it, and most times the parents can't control it." Conditional friendship: where a child thinks someone is being their friend but phases of friendliness are alternated with phases of bullying. Moms take care of kids, that's sort of the mom thing, right? It is better to approach the parent in a respectful manner and say "My son would like to know about your child can you tell him about her please" Don’t be afraid to tell them your fears, they will probably be keen to give you helpful advices. ", Alternative: The above statement may be heard as quite condescending when it's reserved only for children who have special needs. Offer to take the parents out for coffee or other activities you know they enjoy. I’m not speaking here of the jerks, the people who say things intended to be mean. Most parents of special needs children will tell you that you already need to know special needs law, understand the ins and outs of agency options and policies, and have a full grasp of all available therapies before stepping foot in a planning meeting for their child. That is the hardest, yet most rewarding job I have ever had. ", 12. 9 Things Never to Say to a Parent of a Special Needs Child. Ask Syona is ready for her first day of school. Easter is over, some children are back to remote learning and some schools have adapted the amount of time students are required to learn online (or offline). June 21, 2018 ©Shutterstock/Africa Studio. We don't have scheduled topical meetings anymore, but we're not opposed to the idea of bringing them back if someone is willing to commit to hosting them on a "long term" basis. ", 7. Many families of children with special needs often feel isolated. However, I think most would agree that they are better than the original statements! The report includes a comprehensive review of the rights of parents with disabilities and their children. An employee with 26 weeks of service with the same employer has the right to make a request to work flexibly. Avoiding a conversation with another parent because their child has a special need is not the way to go. Your child has challenges and weak points—and also strong points and lovable quirks. A fact that we may still be grappling with ourselves. Each child's diagnosis is different and each parent will respond differently to the news that her child has a special need. Note the difference between this and "Juicing cured my gout, maybe it will cure your son's cerebral palsy too. The Convention of the Rights of people with disabilities adopted in the year 2006, defines a disability as: “Persons with disabilities include those who have long-term physical, mental, intellectual or sensory impairments which in interaction with various barriers may hinder their full and effective participation in society on an equal basis with others.” The Convention of the rights of the child (CRC) adopted i… And alternatively there are times, places and relationships (or lack thereof) where they are not. Advocacy groups may help, but a parent would need to understand that external help is available before they would seek it out. By Anchel Krishna September 2, 2014. Parenting a Disabled Child. Instead, start talking just as you would to any other parent. A parent can easily succumb to the pressure. What not to say: "I don't know how you do it. Parents just don't want to hear these. It touched my heart. I recently wrote an article about 15 things you should never say to a parent of a child who has special needs. Alternative: Now that we know from the "What Not to Say" article that an AFO is not a cast and that these children most likely do not have broken legs, you might go with something like: "I love your son's camo brace, that's super cool" -- or how about "Your daughter's pink shirt is so cute" or "Those are pretty cool-looking sneakers your son is wearing." With thanks to all the parents of disabled children who helped us develop this content. Alternative: This one just baffles me in its level of rudeness. They often have a really hard time and the best is just to listen, to be there, to care. Or how about "I bet we ran into each other today for a reason, I'm free on Saturday, can I please come and babysit? Also, they just got into the […]. What not to say: "My uncle's brother's nephew's cousin has autism, so I know what it's like" or "My nephew's cousin has autism, too. This is especially true in the case of a child with a disability. Maybe go with "that's so stupid" or "that's really awful" or "I hate that!" Parent and child. What to Say to Parents of Very Sick and Terminally Ill Children The mother of a boy with Hunter Syndrome (a terminal condition), says to always put the person before the disability, illness, or … Thanks for inspiring me for this post. Here are 10 strategies to help Parents of Disabled Children, with another 180 in 'The Special Parent's Handbook' Yvonne Newbold Sharing essential SEND parenting strategies to help you to lead your child beyond their anxieties, fears, confusion and extreme behaviour 15 Things Not to Say to the Parent of a Child with Special Needs From the dreaded phrases to avoid to the right questions to ask, here's the best way to support a parent whose child has special needs. If you ever happen to be in a situation like the one described in Tatu’s post, it can happen that you feel uncomfortable and that you don’t know what to say. Finding roles with the right number of hours is another barrier to returning or staying in work, with 82 per cent and 77 per cent respectively citing this. Enlist the help of close friends and family. Show your commitment often with both actions and words. I just read a post by Tatu and thought that listing up a few things to say to a parent of a child with a disability would help a bit. Give us an opening and we are likely to brag up a storm. 10. Want more in-person support in the fall . Your kids are so polite!" However, if you see a child with a disability, point at him or her in the Wal-Mart checkout line and ask, "So, is it genetic?" Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ute Limacher-Riebold and expatsincebirth with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. I would never give that to my child. Change ), You are commenting using your Facebook account. 6. I get it—it can be intimidating to know exactly what to say when you meet a kid with special needs. feel way more limiting for my teenagers (and me!). Your parents will be able to help you with this, and always ask your sibling. He may make … An offer to watch the kids for the evening while we go out for dinner and a movie is a gift. Note the absence of a reference to the child's challenges. I recently posted about what you should never say to the parent of a child with a special need. Remember we're humans, too. Now we have to help you, a family member, friend or just a random grandmother of a child in my kiddo's preschool class that I just met, also come to terms with this fact. I've had more energy since I started juicing -- maybe it would help your son, too." I’m free from one to three Tuesday through Friday, One year expatsincebirth « expatsincebirth. We all say things we wish we could take back from time to time. You are a great mom" or "Do you really start his IVs, oh dear, I just couldn't possibly do that!". “He wanted to please them, wanted to be friends so he didn’t see it as a problem.” Exploitative bullying: where features of a child’s condition are used to bully them. But if you would like to know them better, or you’re already friend with the family who has a sick child or a child with disability, avoiding them is the worst thing you can do. Friends, acquaintances, family members and complete strangers are remarkably comfortable questioning and commenting on various aspects of our lives. Change ), You are commenting using your Google account. Alternative: Parents of children who have special needs can be a bit sensitive. Never say, "She's in a better place now." ", Alternative: I suspect most people making this statement are trying to let the parents know that the child seems to be doing very well. Please do realize that parents with children with disabilites hear negative things all the time. Better options include: "Sounds like you had a busy morning of appointments with your little one, I hope everything went well" or "With everything you do with your son every day, it's like a full-time job! 1) For those who are close enough and feel that they have the right to know more, you can ask questions like: “I notice James isn’t talking/walking etc.?”. 17. Thanks for pointing it out. If you are a stranger to the family, a friendly smile is great. Make yourself available. My recommendation here is a comment like: "I know another child who has autism; he's really into trains. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Local partners includes a wide range of different bodies but, in early years, this includes schools, academies and anyone else who makes provision for a child who has SEN. There are meals to cook, piles of toys and clothes to clean up, homework to help with. Unfortunately, that something may be hurtful to both the parent and child. By Amy Feinstein. It is absolutely possible to see a child with a disability and choose to comment on something that is not related to the disability. 2) „I don’t know much (or anything) about that, can you tell me more (or recommend something I should read)?“ This shows that you’re interested to get to know more about them and their situation. might be preferable to many parents. Tips on how to talk to families of kids with special needs. Parents need time together and with the baby, and they need to know their other kids are attended to. What a difference a kind smile or positive comment can make to parents of children with disabilities! A comment like “That’s tough,” is appropriate for most of these situations. Facebook; Twitter; email; Print; 0 shares; Parents of children with … Taking care of your child and doing whatever is necessary to help them is not what “special” people do, it is what parents do. Learn the right way to support a friend whose kids have unique abilities . ", Alternative: I would be fine with: "It sounds like you have a very full plate. Compliment us without a reference to our child's challenges. 10 Things You Should Never Say About a Special Needs Child. Four in five (81%) say it’s a significant barrier to staying in work. The headers are the things not to say, followed by the alternatives. God Doesn't Give Us Anything We Can't Handle. Many of us have become very aware of people-first language. Instead of blaming moms and dads, recognize their strengths, advises Hartwell-Walker. Although opposite of this sentiment, one parent shared the other side of “spiritualizing” disability when she was told, “You are cursed by the sins of your ancestors.” 2.

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